Cell Mates
by Cheelalaucha
Summary: Ch.4 up! Not Slash. Filch is captured and taken away from Hogwarts and gets put with another captive, Dudley Dursley. Can the two of them survive each other long enough to escape?
1. Stupidfry

**Summary:** Not Slash. Filch is captured and taken away from Hogwarts and gets put with the other captive, Dudley Dursley. Can the two of them survive eachother long enough to escape?  
**Rating: **"T" in FF-net's terms, but "PG-13" for those of us who are not trying to be confusing _dunderheads_ (in Snape's words).  
**Disclaimer:** All characters that I did not make up are owned by J.K. Rowling. If there is a Harry Potter book in the series you haven't read all the way through- why in all the worlds haven't you? Go read it!

_**Cell Mates**_

_**By: Cheelalaucha **_

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Argus Filch walked the halls of Hogwarts, following his cat, and searching for any stupid child that dared come out at night. Oh, how he loved punishing them. He'd love it a lot more if he could hang them by their thumbs and listen to the music (screaming) that they made. They were all so lucky to have the chance to get everything they wanted from their magic. Just let 'em rot, for all he cared!

And that Potter was the worst of them all now that the twins were gone. He had fame, money, family and had Headmaster Dumbledore watching out for his well-being around the clock, every night he could spare. What a bunch of idiots. He was looking forward to the end of that Potter's school years. A secret party had been set up at his graduation to celebrate. Snape, the Bloody Baron, and Peeves had all agreed to come and throw darts (since Filch couldn't use magic spells) at Potter's picture. The one who scores in both eyes gets the chance to torment him first on his last day. It wasn't much, but what else did they have to do? Anyway, Potter's going away was a great cause for a party.

Just as that thought left his mind, he rammed into a stone wall with a thud and fell backwards. He'd been thinking too much about that Potter and hadn't looked where he was going. _Damn the whole Potter family yet again! I wish I could just-_

But with a start, he abruptly realized where he was. Without thinking, he'd gone in a circle and reached somewhere he had been not five minutes ago. But, there was something strange about this dungeon corridor. He was sure that when he'd come this way and all the torches had been lit. Not a single one was burning now. Why was that? Argus could feel his leg twitching- a sure sign that there was going to be trouble. That was probably the only bit of magic he had in him; he could tell when dark magic was lurking. But knowing something was hunting him did not ease his mind

Argus moved only his eyes to look around, fearing that if he moved a hand or hair, he'd be dust. He saw nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the torches not being lit. His leg twitched a little more, and he knew it was only seconds before something was going to pounce on him. Sweat from his palms soaked spots on the cold stone floor that he remained sprawled upon. Like a flash of lightning, he was on his feet and running down the hall. A stream of red light wizzed over his head and ripped apart the painting of a mighty red dragon. That one had almost gotten him. _Gotta move!_ Filch thought.

He ducked behind a statue of Thisbe Dumas, the first Hogwarts caretaker, and just narrowly missed another loud crack of light. He was going die, he knew it. But wasn't green light the Killing Curse? He'd heard of it so many times from wizard's books. He hated reading some of those, but that was the only thing in the library that held only his slightest amount of interest. _What a hellhole_.

**BOOM! **The statue exploded into pieces, and another red light shot past him. He crouched low and was able to miss it. You learned to be quick in this castle. But one thing remained a disadvantage... this place was Hogwarts, and anyone who set foot in here was put onto danger, even though it was concidered the safest place in the wizarding world. the bottom of the foodchain. _Doomed for life_, was his last thought as yet another red light appeared from before him, and he fell over, unconscious.

* * *

Dudley Dursley was nestled in his absolute favorite spot in the whole house... his bed. Three days he'd been home and had only left that poor mattress twice. If not for being human, he'd have never left it! The lovely Dursley mother had brought every meal to him, not to mention some sweets. What am I saying? Candy _was_ his meal! Days were spent playing video games, sleeping, and eating. Every so often, he'd lean over and pull the window open for some air, but that was because he couldn't stand the smell of himself. It was a terrible stench - a lesser man would have long ago passed out from such a thing. But, seeing as he was so plump to begin with, it might take a few years for him to even get dizzy from it.

Ah, yes! Another point for Dudley Dudderkins! The next level of his game was supposed to be the best yet! Level six: Adding with Whole Numbers, ages three to seven. His father had bought him this stupid game in a an attempt to get him interested in addition. Apparently, his mathematics grades were a little (well, a **lot**) on the poor side. What could they have done wrong? He was such a _loving_, _caring_ _gentleman_ who always ate his vegetables. In fact, he always ate.. everything.

While chomping down on another piece of chocolate cake, Dudley heard a weird-sounding kind of 'pop' from under him. For a moment, he thought it might have been another one of those candy balloons his mum had brought him earlier. He'd started out with fifty and then at the end, he'd missplaced three (and he had also been practicing his addition skills, not that he had any to begin with though). Finding no such treasure, he huffed and returned to his game. Not five minutes later - if he'd counted correctly - there was another strange 'pop' from what seemed like the first floor of the house.

A shrill scream rang through every room in number four, Private Drive. That, of course, was Patunia Dursley who was by far the thinnest to set foot in the place. Dudley jumped at the sound of the scream and, surprisingly, slid right off his bed and... picked up the crumb of cake he'd dropped on the floor. That was tasty cake, after all, and you couldn't waste it! Yum, at least he'd gotten most of the dirt off before he stuck it in his mouth. He could still recall the last bit he'd dropped.. ehh, not so sweet. Chocolate-covered ants were not to be eaten after sweet tarts. Never.

Another scream echoed past his ears just as he burped. His mum must have seen a rat; those were the only time she'd scream so loudly. Oh well, just another snack for later if he caught it in the trap. The tiny creature might not go for it though, without the cheese. He'd gotten hungry before bed last night, and the cheese hadn't been _that_ moldy.

Within seconds of the thought, Dudley found himself face-to-face with a hooded, robed, and menacing figure that held some kind of long shiny thing. Hey! That was a wand! Wands cast spells! His last thought before he fell unconscious was, _Does cherry wood have real cherries in it?  
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So, do you think what I put about Dudley was fitting, or was I too harsh? I thought I was pretty fair, taking into acount that he's a nasty cousin. **

**Many, many thanks go out to "A." for being my beta in this fic. :-)**

**May 19, 2005**


	2. Croozeeoh

**Summary:** Not Slash. Filch is captured and taken away from Hogwarts, and gets put with the other captive, Dudley Dursley. Can the two of them survive eachother long enough to escape?  
**Rating: **"T" in FF .net's terms, but "PG-13" for those of us who (in Snape's word) are not trying to be confusing _dunderheads_.  
**Disclaimer:** All characters that I did not make up are owned by J.K. Rowling. If there is a Harry Potter book in the series you haven't read all the way through- why in all the worlds haven't you? Go read it!  
**A/N:** For part of this to make sense you need to know that Harry's at headquarters (HQ) because of an attack from Jr. Death Eaters. There's some cursin' (the spell kind) in this chapter, soze if ya don't wanna read it, then don't! Thanks to all reading, and to _Aithril_ for being my beta in this fic!

**_Cell Mates  
By: Cheelalaucha_**

_**Chapter 2: "Croozeeoh"

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Argus groaned as he lifted his heavy eyelids. _Stupid kids,_ he thought. _They find it funny to curse me? They'll be sorry._ But at that moment, Filch realized he wasn't in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts - and he wasn't alone. A tall, dark-robed man with short gray hair was staring down at him, wand in hand.

"I hope you enjoy your stay here," the wizard spat. "Plenty of bugs and all those good things. That could very well be the only thing you eat this week. But don't worry your self - I heard in some places, insects are eaten every day. That's a good thing for you since you'll be getting nothing from the Dark Lord." The man put his tongue between his back teeth and chewed it noiselessly. Then he lightened his tone and said, with a glance around the room, "If it were me, I'd starve myself. You'd be in a lot less pain if you did." He now had his eyes on Filch with a long, steady look. The wizard's face showed no emotion, but there was something in the way he was watching the squib that made Argus wonder if there was an extra meaning behind the words he'd spoken.

Argus said nothing as the wizard backed out of the room and snapped the door shut. Reaching a shaky hand up to his head, Filch rubbed the spot where his skull must have connected with the floor. He had not had much time to think things through when the great, banging clatter of three pairs of feet reached his ears. Silence lingered in his cell until the door flew open and a massive figure was thrown into the wall right beside him. Whoever it was seemed to be unconscious; he slid to the floor without a word. The face of the child was just barely visible in the light. Argus turned his head away in disgust. That was one fat teen! The kid was almost as fat as. . . .

"_Ennervate_," one of the Death Eaters growled.

When they heard the boy grumbling out meaningless words, they all turned as one and left the room.

"Where's the chocolate cake?" Dudley Dursley mumbled and rolled over. Argus scowled at the boy, but did not say a word.

- -

* * *

- -

Filch covered his ears and pressed them in as far as he could. His attempts at drowning out the snoring were proving useless. He was about five minutes from totally losing his mind. _Damn snoring!_ Argus thought as the kid drew in another long, loud, agonizing breath. Finally, he just gave up and smacked the teen hard in the head. The boy jumped and grunted in surprise. Filch watched in amusement as the muggle looked around him frantically.

As soon as he realized he was not in his warm bed any longer, Dudley whimpered. Looking to his left, he saw a dirty old man sitting close to him on the floor. "W-wh-who are you? Where's m-my room gone? Where am I? What happened to my candy? What's stupidfry mean? (_Stupefy, you dolt_, Argus thought to himself.) Why-" Dudley was cut off before he could say another word.

Without an answer to an actual question, Argus ground out, "Stop that blasted noise-making! You're louder than the Quidditch World Cup!" The first year he had been the Hogwarts Caretaker, Albus Dumbledore had dragged him along to the Cup. He hadn't been able to hear properly for a week afterwards.

"The what?" the boy responded dumbly.

Filch stared at him disbelievingly. "Quidditch, you idiot. Who in all the Wizarding World does not know about Qudditch?"

Dudley sat up straighter and shot back, "I'm not one of those freaks, you. . . freak!"

Argus narrowed his eyes and said in a low voice, "Don't call me that." Whether it was because Argus wasn't a wizard, or because of the fact that he hated them, Argus did not make clear. He used the wall to steady himself as he stood. The boy followed suit, only a little slower, pushing his fat body up off the ground. They each glared at the other with nothing but hatred.

"_Freak_," was the reply from the teen. "Freak. Freak, fr-"

Argus' fists clenched together and suddenly, in one motion, launched right into the muggle's face. The teen stumbled backwards, but didn't fall down. Dudley spat blood out of his mouth and then stepped forward with a fierce look in his eyes. Argus ducked as a huge arm came at him, and he ran to the opposite wall. Dudley whirled around and went toward him again.

The door banged open right at that moment, and both Filch and Dudley turned to see who had interrupted their fight. Argus dropped his fists at his sides with wide, horrified eyes. Dudley glared his best, still angry. The figure with glowing red eyes approached them slowly, trying its best to frighten the muggle. Voldemort's want of fear was like some sick pleasure he had every moment of every day. It was rare, though, that he got to scare two powerless, witless, cowarding people at the same time.  
Ah, he could just smell the fear from the two prisoners; how he loved that scent. The Dark Lord knew he should get as much out of this as possible. So, without warning, Voldemort leapt forward and gripped the boy's neck in his hand.

"Where iss your dear coussin?" the Dark Lord whispered in a deadly tone.

Dudley narrowed his eyes and spat directly into the face of the one holding him. Filch's jaw dropped five feet, and he stared at the muggle like he was the stupidest thing to have ever been created. Voldemort released the boy and stepped back. Pointing a wand at the boy, he spoke the word, "_Crucio_!"

Dudley fell to his knees screaming in a high-pitched tone. Pain radiated through every cell in his body, and for a moment, Dudley thought he was drowning in a pool of. . . what was it called? Acrid? Acid? Asprin? Yes, that was it - asprin. The burning fire inside his limbs only increased when he tried to move. _I could use a nice cold dish of ice cream to cool off in. Swimming in ice cream!_ His thoughts of food were his only comfort as he was under the curse for so long, and that alone proved how addicted a person could be to it.

After a few seconds, the curse was lifted, and Voldemort sneered coldly at the muggle. He glanced at the squib and let his smirk grow bigger. Filch backed up unconsciously at being under the red eye's watch.

Voldemort made one last threat before departing. "I will return at ssunsset. If I do not have the location of Potter, you both sshall pay for it."

Argus watched the dark wizard go with wide eyes. He stood that way for what seemed like a full hour before he finally stared to relax. His gaze drifted to the lump that was quivering at his feet. Filch stared down at the muggle and wondered silently if he should do something. With a grunt he asked, "You alright?"

"No." Dudley meant to yell, but only whispered. "I want my mum."

Filch rolled his eyes and said, "Well, she's not coming, so get over it."

"Shut up," Dudley said weakly as tears fell from his eyes. _Stupid freak. Mother will come. She always comes. All I have to do is wait. But I don't want to wait!_ Now Dudley was all-out crying as he kneeled on the floor.

Argus stood there with an uncaring expression on his face. "If you want to live a little longer, I suggest you never do that again."

The boy did not look up, but replied, "Leave me alone, freak."

- -

* * *

- -

He finally sat after a half an hour of avoiding the child in the cell. The muggle had long since fallen asleep in a heap on the dirt-covered floor. Argus had taken to listening to the boy's snores (yet again), but this time, he did not wake him. Filch could not stop himself, however, from muttering a few nasty words about the boy.

He realized then that they were both captives here, and no matter how much this kid wanted his mother, they would soon die at the hands of Death Eaters. He'd hardly ever had this much time to think, and it was driving him crazy. He didn't want to remember old mistakes, or remember his childhood. No, never did he want to remember those. With a glance at the muggle, he noticed the boy was shivering. Argus turned his head away and closed his eyes, thinking, _What am I to do now?_

He eventually wore himself out from pacing back and forth on the floor of the cell and sat down to rest before his legs went numb. By the time the next hour was up, the two prisoners were asleep. And _both_ were snoring loudly.

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**A/N: **Okay, would you like a Death-Eater-in-training Slitherin (such as Malfoy, Pansy, Nott or whoever)to 'visit' our mates, or Umbridge? More humor in the next chapter!**_Review!_**


	3. Uhthoruhtee

**Summary:** Not Slash. Filch is captured and taken away from Hogwarts, and gets put with the other captive, Dudley Dursley. Can the two of them survive each other long enough to escape?  
**Rating: **"T" in FF .net's terms, but "PG-13" for those of us who are not trying to be confusing _dunderheads_.  
**Disclaimer:** All characters that I did not make up are owned by J.K. Rowling.  
**A/N:** Thanks for the wonderful reviews! Ronnikins4Mione – your wish is my command! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the toad you all know and love! Oh, and don't read the beginning if you are fond of rats.

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_**Cell Mates  
By: Cheelalaucha**_

_**Chapter 3: "Uhthoruhtee"**_

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Argus growled in disgust as he watched the the muggle turn over on his belly with a loud **plop**. _How does he even walk?_ he wondered. His gaze flicked to the door for a second before another thought came to him, equally puzzling. _How the hell did they even fit him through there?_

Running a hand down the length of his face, Argus mentally fought to keep the images of what the kid's parents must look like out of his head. _I'm losing my mind!_ he concluded with a frustrated sigh. He instantly regretted making the noise when his fellow captive jerked into full awareness.

The caretaker waited with little amusement as the muggle boy struggled to remember where he was. If not for his current situation, Argus would find the whole scene extremely amusing. But at the moment, nothing even this funny could quell the fear that lingered in the back of his mind.

In war, the last thing you want to be is a captive, especially a captive of the side that considered torture to be a daily ritual. No, it could not get any worse than this.

Or so he thought. He hadn't taken into account the fact that he was spending his last few days alive with a gigantic, pig-like teen who was considerably denser than either Crabbe or Goyle. This was not on his list of "Things to do Before I Die" by any means. His thoughts were rattled from his brain as the muggle let out an ear-piercing screech.

"Eek! Get it away from me! Get it off! Mum, help me! Get. It. OFF!" Dudley yelled at the top of his lungs as he hid his face behind his arms for protection.

"Stop your screaming you imbecile! It's only a blasted rat!"

When the teen refused to stop his noise-making, Argus rose shakily, yet quickly, and stomped over. Picking the scurrying animal up by the tail, he shook it in front of the cowering muggle's face. "It's a rat! It is not going to eat you! You're more than fifty times its size! Get a grip, and shut your mouth!"

The rat squeaked loudly as it struggled to be set free. But, there was no way Argus was losing his opportunity to scare the teen into submission. He barely registered the thought, _What would Albus say if he saw you do this?_, when he suddenly acted.

With a force that only camefrom extreme anger for most people, Argus gripped the tail of the squirming animal tighter and hurled it at the furthest wall. It impacted with a sickening crunching sound as every bone was shattered in the tiny rat's body. The remains slid to the floor without more than a light **thump**.

Without missing a beat, Argus bent down to the now-quiet muggle and commanded in a deadly tone, "Keep your mouth _shut_."

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- -

Dudley was as white as a ghost, but did not make a sound as the caretaker retreated to his side of the cell. Only after pinching his arm to see if he was dreaming did he realize where he was. As the events of the previous night rushed back into his mind, he couldn't help the watering in his eyes.

_Where's my mum?_

_Where am I?_

_Why is this happening to me?_

Normally, he would have asked those questions, but after what he had just seen, he didn't even dare breath too loudly. Dudley inched away from the man even though they were five feet apart already. Wiping away tears, he snuggled into the closest corner. There he silently cried until he drifted off again to sleep.

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- -

_They'll be finishing up dinner right about now_, Argus thought. After so many years at Hogwarts, he'd gained something alike to an internal clock. He could always feel an aching in his bones when curfew was nearing. Most of the time this was an advantage. This was not one of those times, however. Right now, Argus Filch would give anything to be one of those people in the Great Hall where hot food was being served to all. The way things were going, he'd have eaten Mrs. Norris if she was in his cell. _Maybe I can get that rat..._

Argus shook his head, trying to clear it. He was turning into a barbarian! Rats were not for eating, and neither were cats, but he was starving to death so what should he care as long as it could be eaten? _I draw the line at him, though_, Argus thought and glanced over at his whale of a companion. No matter how hungry he became, there was no way he'd go that far. Besides, the teen was all fat anyhow.

_Argus! Get a hold of yourself!_

With a groan, he rested his head back on the wall. He'd almost fallen asleep again when a clip-clapping noise came from the other side of the door to the cell. Sitting up straight, and then pushing painfully to his feet, Argus waited to see what was happening. The sounds grew louder until someone halted outside their door.

Heart pounding a mile a minute, he looked around in the dim light for the Muggle. Dudley was laying in a corner to the right of the entrance to the cell. If only the idiot would stop snoring he would be able to hear better! Or, perhaps that was just Argus' heart trying its best to break though his chest.

With a creak, the door slowly opened, and in walked the former Headmistress of Hogwarts.

Dolores Umbridge had a sweet 'n sour smile on her face as she spotted Filch looking back at her. Actually, it was more like he was staring open-mouthed, but it pleased her nonetheless.

The last person Argus had expected to see was Dolores. He mentally groaned, _More fat people! _but refrained from saying it aloud. No, she definitely wouldn't appreciate that comment.

"Hello Mr. Filch," she purred with that frightening smile of hers.

Argus cleared his throat to get it working again. "What are you doing here, Dolores?" he asked her.

Umbridge clicked her tongue and gave a fake frown. "My dear Argus, how did you get yourself in this mess?"

Filch narrowed his eyes and didn't reply.

"Oh, don't hold out on me, Argus. You know how I get when I'm ignored."

It was true. The times Dolores had been at her worst were when she failed to intimidate someone. Argus wasn't sure why she got worked up, after all, everyone ignored him. Even the teachers. Only Headmaster Dumbledore showed him any kind of consideration.

For a while, back in this last year, Argus thought Umbridge had been trying to make the students fear her, rather than fear the Potions professor, Snape. Personally, Argus reasoned that she, Dolores, fancied the overgrown bat. If he ever got out of this cell, he'd be sure to mention it to his fellow "out-after-curfew catcher." Of course, he'd be sure and run away as fast as he could so that he did not end up jinxed and stuffed into a toilet.

"Back from the forest are you?" Argus was glad for the dryness of his throat as it made his voice deep and dangerous-sounding. Well, more-so than usual. The caretaker was creepy in his own right. Now, he was positively frightening.

But, then again, Dolores Umbridge was no small first year. Hell, the size she was, Dolores could be nothing lower than a tenth year, if there existed such a thing.

Her tangy smile wavered only the slightest bit at the mention of her horrifying trip into the Forbidden Forest last year.

"Oh my, dear Mr. Filch. That was quite a hurtful thing to say. I am only attempting to help you."

_Right, and I'm the one and only Gilderoy Lockheart. Hold ona moment while I curl my hair and polish my teeth._ No. Dolores had failed him last year. She'd promised power and control over the hundreds of students that had underestimated and mocked him.

Argus wanted to laugh at her, but the dryness of his throat made him think twice. Instead, he glared and said nothing, knowing it would infuriate her more.

Indeed it did, for she whipped out her wand and brought the tip to point at the man's chest. Any other person would have been directing their wand to his head, but Umbridge's arms were far too short to reach properly.

Despite that amusing thought, the little courage he had possessed a moment ago was quickly leaving him. Dolores looked ready to murder him, and he had no hope of defending himself. After all, Squibs were powerless. He was powerless.

Umbridge took a waddling step forward and Argus could see the light in her eyes. It was an eerie light that he'd only seen once before. The young Malfoy boy had gazed at him in this same manner last year when Argus had told the Head of Slytherin of the boy's "adventures in snogging" up in the Astronomy Tower. If only this matter was as insignificant as that one had been.

"I have been given the authority to use any curse deemed necessary to get what information is needed," she told him with her strangely glittering eyes never leaving his face. He could not help but notice that she did not look him in the eye, though, as she always had before at the school. But, that was not important now. Oh no, not anymore. He was in for it.

Argus backed up a step which had him pressing against the wall. He had failed to realized that there was quiet in the cell once more. No snoring. _He's stopped his noise-making just in time to see me cursed!What luck I have._

Umbridge advanced again with her wand.

"_Cru-! _"

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_A/N:_ Yeah, short, I know. I thought it would be best to post what I already had done. We're not throughwith Umbridge, so don't worry. But, is Filch a gonner? You'll see! Reviews make me write more, ya know. Okay then.

For next chapter:What do you think is most likely Dudley's favorite food?


	4. Ssneekeeng

**Summary:** Not Slash. Filch is captured and taken away from Hogwarts, and gets put with the other captive, Dudley Dursley. Can the two of them survive each other long enough to escape?  
**Rating: **"T" in FF .net's terms, but "PG-13" for those of us who are not trying to be confusing _dunderheads_.  
**Disclaimer:** All characters that I did not make up are owned by J.K. Rowling.  
**A/N:** The guilt built up until I finally couldn't go another moment without writing! Thanks for making me guilty- it works! For anyone thinking Dudley's been a bit (_a lot_) of a baby, just remember that he's not used to this sort of thing, and he's really been in shock for the last couple of chapters. Not anymore, though. Thanks, FireChildSlytherin5, the cheese burgers will end up in the story but not this chapter.

_**Cell Mates  
By: Cheelalaucha**_

_**" Ssneekeeng "**_

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Argus waited, eyes scrunched up tight, for the pain._ It's just a little curse, you can take it, _he told himself silently._ Just keep your mouth shut and take it, you've had worse. Oh yes, some small curse... was it _blinding_ or _burning_ pain that it's supposed to cause, again? _He held his breath.

Nothing.

_Well? _Argus dared not to move. No, clenching his fists and trembling worked just fine for him at the moment.

But... nothing happened. Not even a twinge.

_Just do it already! Do it! Have your fun. Get it over with. _Argus was surprised by his own thoughts, and briefly wondered if he had been cursed and was now insane.

After all, when one expects one of the most powerful, complex, unforgivably cruel curses to be aimed their way, one gets irrational. Take the sense of hearing, for example. Suspense and fright were quite successfully blocking out the scuffle of bodies not three feet in front of him.

_I'm dead._

Yes, that explained it. He didn't hurt because that evil Umbridge woman had decided to just simply use the _Avada Kedavra _on him instead. _It's not so bad, _Argus decided after a moment. No pain. No sound. No smell. No more fat people! Yes, death was good for him.

_Does death speak?_ Argus didn't think so. Therefore, it was very unsettling to hear muffled curses in the dark.

And apparently he could feel as well, if the shoe (that had just smacked him in the nose) was anything to go by.

"Wake up! Hey, freak!"

For something that couldn't give voice, death sure was noisy. And was that... did death just crack its knuckles? _Nah, couldn't be._

"I said, wake _up_!"

Now hold on just one moment...

**Smack.**

Argus lifted the lids of his eyes. There wasn't much light, but the giant teen leering down at him was pretty difficult to miss. Especially when one was being hit with a shoe repeatedly. Argus was quickly regaining his senses, but not quite quickly enough to stop another blow to the face.

**Smack.**

Argus grunted and lifted a hand to rub his throbbing nose. No, death didn't speak, and it certainly did not wear Hagrid-sized shoes. There was, however, one particular person he knew of who did. One particular _Muggle. _

There was another swing of the shoe, but this time Argus blocked it with his arm.

"Enough," he growled.

The Muggle glared down at him. "Get up, freak."

Argus wanted so much to spit insults at the boy, but he saw the disadvantage he had to being the one on the floor. So, carefully, he raised himself up with the help of the wall, his eyes never looking away from the Muggle's.

The large teen, on the other hand, had no problem at all about turning his back on Filch, and did just that after tossing him his smelly shoe.

_**--**_

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_**--**_

Dudley Dursley knew how to fight.

Though, having never faced such an equal-sized opponent before, he put an extra bit of force behind his punch. If his mother ever found out that he'd hit a woman, he'd be in for it.

Dudley felt the burning of his eyes at the thought of his mother and quickly blinked and turned away.

He'd gotten over most of his shock when he had heard the Toad Woman's overly-girlish squeaks of voice. She reminded him far too much of an annoying teacher at school.

The only adult who dared to reprimand him, Dudley had taken a specific dislike to her and that shrill tone. He'd have never been able to hit his teacher, but this... this was somewhat more satisfying.

Stepping around the lump on the floor, Dudley gave her one last kick in the arm.

The door leading out was open just slightly enough to see a sliver of light from the outside. Dudley eased the door open a little more and peered out.

Torches lit the empty corridor on both sides, casting golden light on the walls. Waving a hand behind him to indicate that the freak should follow him, Dudley pushed the door all the way open.

_You can do this_, he told himself. _You've done it a million times at school_.

Dudley wasn't so sure that he could match his punches for a stick-baring freak, but he was fairly confident that he could take on one by surprise. He'd gotten pretty good at sneaking around and beating up the ones who dared to cross him at Smeltings. This would be next to nothing in comparison since he'd be able to use his fists on any passers-by.

Unfortunately, fighting solo was not something that appealed to him. He'd have to take the freak with him, if only for being a lookout. As with his gang at home, the Big D was the muscle, and the others were the eyes and ears and, most importantly, the brains.

He didn't have to like it, he just had to work with it for the moment.

_Wait until I tell Potter. We'll see who's Mr. Hero Boy after this._

Hearing the raspy breath close behind him, Dudley glanced over his shoulder. The dirty freak was watching and waiting for him to do something. Dudley lifted one of his enormous hands and drew a lumpy finger silently across his neck in a warning to be silent, then he turned back to the corridor and headed right down the passage.

_**--**_

__

* * *

_**--**_

If there was one thing that Argus Filch was a professional at, it was roaming dark corridors.

After decades of prowling and listening for the tell-tale signs of children running about after their curfew, he could claim to have some skill at it. Only now, he was on the other side of the fence, and he was the one risking the detention– or more closely death, in this case.

_You'll die anyhow_, he reminded himself, _so why not go running around and have something to preoccupy your mind?_

Argus longed for the freedom to growl. Sneaking, however, was not very effective when one gave oneself away intentionally, and he was in no way wishing for the inevitable _Avada Kedavra _to come any sooner.

_No growling, don't growl, don't growl, don't--_

**Crash!**

Argus leaped back in fright, as did the Muggle. Being _slightly_ larger, however, the one in front had reared faster and harder. _Much too hard_, Argus reasoned as the whole of the whale-size Muggle hit him.

As he was launched off his feet, Argus Filch, after longing for a ride on a broomstick for nearly all of his Squibdom, had to face the fact that he was _not_ meant to fly.

_Ouch, ah, ugh._ Argus felt he must have bounced on the stone for all of the pain in his right shoulder. A shiver went up his spine as he, quick as a flash, realized that his would be feeling considerably worse if he did not move over, and _now_.

Spinning to the side, Filch sucked in a pained gasp of air through clenched teeth, and he relished the gigantic **thump** of blubber meeting cold, hard stone. _That'll teach you_, Argus thought angrily as he held his bruised shoulder with his other hand. Argus threw caution to the wind and let himself heave out a long, low, refreshing growl of frustration.

_Ahh_, Filch indulged himself in a sigh of relief.

**_--_**

****

* * *

**_--_**

"Shut up," Dudley whispered furiously over his shoulder.

"You could have gotten us caught, that racket you made!"

He whirled around in anger and faced the Freak with the most threatening look he had in him and spat, "Let's smash you into a wall an see what happens!"

Argus only sneered in reply. He knew better than to invite more bodily harm than he already had now. His shoulder still ached with a fury and his prolonged lack of food wasn't sitting well with his stomach. Argus wasn't sure how much longer he could keep walking down corridors with such a low amount of energy in his system.

_One thing_, Argus reasoned, _that the Muggle need not worry about_.

No, it would be quite a while before the fat lump even began to feel the effects of true starvation. By then, though, the Muggle teen would be alone down in the bowls of this headquarters, or _supposed_ headquarters. Nah, he'd be long gone before that, whether it be starvation or _Avada Kedavra_.

The two of them had been walking down various corridors for the past hour and had yet to meet anyone, even after the unexplainable racket from somewhere above them. Argus couldn't decide if this was a good thing or not. The way he saw it, they were either very lucky at navigating, or they'd simply been left to rot in their cell together while the Death Eaters found healthier, longer-lasting, victims to torture.

Argus hadn't been paying much attention to their surroundings since the stone was always the same color, the same texture, nothing new at all. Therefore, it did not come as much of a surprise when he, yet again, collided with the tub of witless flubber in front of him.

There wasn't a flying sensation this time, which Filch was much thankful for, but the sight before the both of them was not a pleasing one at all.

From over the shoulder of the Muggle, Argus could just make out the shadowed dead-end of the corridor. The end that seemed to be almost... _moving_.

_Get a hold of yourself, Argus_! he shouted silently. _Stone does _not _move on its own. You have finally lost it. Congratulations._

But then... stones didn't hiss either. No, the only thing that made hissing noises like that...

"Run for your life! There's-" Dudley wheeled around so fast that it made Argus even dizzier than he had been after realizing what they were facing. Not twenty paces ahead of them, a great bundle of the shadowed stone was writhing as if it were alive. There was no doubt that there were hundreds of them, if not more. No, those could only be one thing-

"-_SNAKES_!"


End file.
